The world has universally defined man in many ways; he or she is an animal, machine, producer, sexual being or accident of nature, which in my view represents man towards insignificance. But who am I? A definition by my function? Am I here by some accident? Do I have a purpose?
I look around me in our world today and wonder about the existing standards. Is it the
Slimmer (petit) or the fuller that counts? Taller or shorter? Expressive or quiet? All dressed up or almost not dressed at all? Is it fair & lovely or black beauty? Financially stable or financially dependent . . . .)
With these questions, each one of us can identify with a feeling of an identity crisis as we figure out which is which.
Jim Collins rightly put it; ‘Good is the enemy of great.’
I was brought up by a father who was proud of having me as a daughter (his soul rest in peace). To him, I was the best and the standard for everyone in many things. I grew up hearing these comparisons (even my daughter Betty would have done it better than you), which built so much confidence in me.
After completing university and entering the world of independence, I encountered its expectations and standards, a world of ‘overs’. I was overcorrected for being too forthright as opposed to being viewed as decisive, opinionated place of displaying leadership qualities, and quiet instead of considering all details. I was also over-judged for talking too much and advised to reduce my words, for being too loud and asked to lower my voice, but at the same time for almost being inaudible and told to speak with more confidence.
I felt over-expected to fit into everyone’s trajectory of my life and constantly compared to others without regard for the fact that they were comparing a fish’s ability to run on land instead of swimming. Amidst this, I realized that the world expected another version of me that was not who I had learned to be all my life – MYSELF.
Then I tried to balance being me and the expected me to fit in. For two years, I tried (and believe me when I say I tried to balance myself) until I realized I could not recognize myself, and I had lost myself even to myself.
I faced the first of the three major causes of an identity crisis at that moment, according to a study channel called ‘Stories of Old.’
Displacement – which is the feeling of being disconnected from a path where everything was supposed to be as it should be; the feeling of being unable to fit into the present ‘harmony’.
This disconnects us as we try to fit in until we are beyond repair and lose ourselves.
Then one day, my best friend said the most sobering words to me. She looked at me as we had hot chocolate and asked with a smile but an unmistakable seriousness in her voice, ‘who are you? Why do I feel you are trying too hard to please everyone and not be yourself?
I miss the Betty I’ve always known’.
As I went to bed and took stock of my day as always, I was now uncomfortable with the current Betty. I didn’t feel okay to be this Dr Betty demanded by the corporate world, social media, or the ‘Ms. Fixer’ demanded by customers, not the ‘just let it go and be on the safe side’ demanded by the world standards, nor the ‘yes sir’ girl demanded by my employer, among others.
I graduated to the second of the three major causes of an identity crisis; Constrictment – while displacement is based on building past patterns, confinement is about the future. It is the feeling of being trapped in a certain environment, confined in a conflicting space and a feeling of ‘I do not belong here’. The feeling of being constricted pushes us to look for a way out, whether through social media, peer groups or even seeming same belief groups (where we see some getting into cults or self-help groups that seem to offer the much graved for freedom.
That evening I made up my mind to go back to BEING ME. I realized that I am best at being ME!
Immediately I made up my mind and started working on setting myself free; the third of the three major causes of identity crisis set in with a bang as I realized that I AM NOT what my circumstances say I am, for circumstances are constantly changing and no second will ever be what the last one was.
There is a reason why I am the way I am, and the Creator knows best to have given ME to the world just the way I am. I am a part of a puzzle that needs a piece with all my angles and corners to fit in perfectly.
Overwhelming Freedom – it’s a feeling of opening a new door to the unknown.
Where one gets to be free to decide; to dress or not dress at all, where any partner can be left for another any time, where anyone can have intimacy with whoever or whatever, anyway they want and wherever they want. The sea of decisiveness.I have managed this with care so far because making the wrong decision will risk me returning to who the world made me to be which would be a waste of effort.
So let me introduce myself; I am Dr Betty Kwoko Mgimba, a patriotic Tanzanian and a proud African. I am a recovering identity crisis victim still working at becoming a more confident speaker, a humble wife by choice, a role model to my children, as they put it, a dedicated sister to my brethren, a respectful and caring daughter to my parents, a true friend to my friends. I speak my mind without hesitation, all factors considered and all these, without prejudice or apology, because this is who I am!
